The last book I bought in January was to be a pre-read to setting goals for the year. I had thought I was reading it to strengthen what I already know about values, but Dr. Blake’s writings had me starting all over again. And, although not the intention of the book, what I adapted was a beautiful way to follow what matters when living with grief.
He begins by telling the reader that purpose is not found (as most of us seek our purpose) but rather grown. “It’s not fixed. It evolves. It’s not a destination.” He asks us to see our purpose as a tree that begins with a seed. Through thought-provoking exercises, he has the reader dream about life without fear, letting go of what was supposed to be, the expectations of others before he asks the reader to select their values. Through this process I discovered that what I thought my first value was, didn’t align with what I (and my grief) want and need.
The book continues with discovering your passions and strengths and includes goal setting, small step actions towards these and the importance of reviewing how it’s going. It is a great tool for anyone wanting to better understand how to create a life that is filled with meaning.
How does this pertain to grief? Simple. Our values are usually chosen by what we care about, what we want of life, our attitude of what is important. Typical values such as success to which the goal might be getting a promotion or making more money. Or if the value is adventure, the goal might be planning a trip. When you think about grief as a persona with its own needs, attitudes and goals…what values would your grief want. I promise you it won’t be wealth.
Grief needs comfort. It needs compassion. It needs faith, family and respect. From the list given in this book, Dr. Blake suggests to not overthink what are your values, but to go with your gut. He asks the reader to highlight 10-15 values and then narrow it down to five. When I looked at the list through the eyes of my grief, the values were different. And since grief is the overpowering elephant in the room of my current life, I decided to choose those values.
Values are the seeds to which purpose grows. Your goals become how do you water these seeds. Common goals for grievers are reducing the pain of a broken heart, honoring our loved one, finding balance amongst the chaos, reducing the anger that lives within. If the chosen values align with these types of goals, the roots of purpose can begin to grow.
By the advice from the good doctor, if we move forward with these goals, holding tight to the values attached to them, we will begin to see changes in ourselves. They may begin as small changes, but they will be there and they may unsettle you but keep going. They will surely unsettle those in your life who want things to stay the same. However, we know we are not the same. So why would our values, our goals, and our purpose be the same? That ideology is freeing.
Our grief, with all its many negatives, could also be the ability to shift, reboot and move forward towards a stronger self and a deeper connection to our loved ones. Ironically, purpose may grow when we align our values to what our grief needs.
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