I bought a battery operated pillar candle that had a timer.  I placed it on a small patio table by our front door.  I had it timed to go on a little before Zane would come home from work, around midnight.  He enjoyed listening to podcasts sitting next to its artificial flame as a way to unwind after a long busy shift.  For the first year, after the crash, I would go to the door before bed and see it shining, waiting for him to come home.  And I would whisper, “Love you, miss you, wish you were here”.

The number one wish for grief warriors is “I wish you were here”.  Lately I’ve been thinking about this.  Does this wish negate our belief that our loved ones are always “here”?  If we believe, to any depth, that they are at peace, in a better place or free…is it selfish to wish them back to here?  We want them here because we miss them.  We want them here to share (more) life with us. We want them here so that we can hear their voice, their laugh. We want them here because we miss hugging them.  But when we say “I wish you were here” we are telling ourselves they are not here…and good mourning is all about looking for signs that they are still with us.  Our loved ones are always here with us. We must believe this.

Perhaps our wish should be more about what we are really wanting, really missing.  Maybe the wish is actually for us.  Perhaps we should reword this wish.  Perhaps we should be more specific.  Maybe the wish YOU is really about I. I wish I could hear your voice here.  I wish I could see you here.

With my grief, I have found it helps when I believe to my core, Zane is still here.  Although his (new) spiritual form I wish was not reality, it is a form to which I am still his mother and he is still very much a part of my life. And for this belief to be solid, I can’t say wish you were here.  I must tell myself he is here.  So I have changed my wish.  And at night, when I look out the door, I now whisper, “Love you, miss you, wish I could hug you here”.