I was going through some boxes as we continue to purge to fit into our tiny condo. I came across a card we would have received right after Zane was killed. It was from a fellow grief warrior who had lost her son decades before. She had enclosed a letter letting me know what I could expect. I had no idea then of the truth she spoke to.  I was naturally in shock and numb to receiving her message.

She told me that the pain will get less.  That I must grieve in my own way, there is no right or wrong way. And there is no timeframe. We will not get over the death, and that our friends who have not lost a child will not understand. Her words, only a grieving parent could say, and true to the experience I am living.

She learned to live on for those she still had here. She wrote, “As I think back all the memories that reminded me of my son were difficult, but they were also healing.”

Her letter closed with the final paragraph saying that with time she was able to forgive the driver who was responsible for her son’s death. And that hit me. Have I forgiven the driver who killed Zane? I feel no hate towards him. I have focused on how his mother would feel, I focused on the shared loss. But forgive him? Ouch. That is territory yet to be explored.

Reading her letter, her words reminding me that I am not alone, I felt compelled to write her back.  I have never met this woman. She is the sister of a friend. So, I called my friend to ask for her address and I wrote. I let her know that her letter was read but not understood until now. That I have continued for the sake of my family here and that I live with Zane’s spirit, missing his physical presence with every breath. I thanked her for the card and the reminder that I live in a community of strong women, mothers, like her.

What do we do with the many cards we receive? Store them in a pretty shoe box. Or several pretty shoe boxes if needed.  And in quiet moments when you are feeling strong, go through them.  Toss the ones that are from people you don’t know or whose message grates you. (We all have received at least one of those, ‘all is well, you’ll get over this’ type of card.) Take pictures of some cards you like but want to toss. That way you have more space but keep the memory. And for those cards that resonate with you, let them resonate.  Let yourself feel the message, feel any pain that message brings, knowing that you are here now and doing your best to be your best for your loved ones.

If you feel compelled to write back, I recommend you do. And like grief, there is no timeline to do this. Sympathy cards are given to express words of kindness and support. There should not be an expectation to reply; goodness knows we have enough on our plate, but there may be a card worthy of reaching out to say thank you.

As in my case, “Thank you Joyce, for sending a message, the foreshadowing of my new life. You were bang on. As only another grieving mother would know.”