Thanks for Giving

“Well, first of the holidays, Thanksgiving, without your contribution of mashed potatoes and gravy.  Some of your friends dropped by including Kat who came with a bunch of bananas! I had told her I couldn’t buy them yet because they were what I bought for you, for your smoothies.  It was cool she thought of me.  I cried…  I am thankful this year for family and friends. And Zane, thankful to you for the countless times we shared.  You are my sunshine.”

The above was a letter I wrote to Zane on the first Thanksgiving after the crash. Three years later, we nestle, following the restrictions, in our tiny home to celebrate the first event of the upcoming holiday season.  Everything is in order.  Turkey, stuffing, treats.  The table set. The dog has his bone. Everything looks like a Norman Rockwell poster. The ‘empty chair’ is the elephant in the room.  Time does not help heal the holidays.

These are the occasions where you need to practice extra selfcare.  We tend to overdo, overeat, overdrink. All things that increase grief. We also notice families, social media happy posts, that remind us of what we are missing. Even if everything else is in place and you are surrounded by family and friends, your broken heart hurts more at these times.

I think it does one good to schedule a portion of the day to remove yourself from the activities.  For a short time, find yourself alone, in a park or a room or a walk around the block. Feel the big picture.  Look up to the skies. Listen to the wind, or the birds, or the water if nearby. Call out to your loved one.  Whisper you miss them and that you invite them to come to the dinner table. Have a cry. A good, soul cleansing cry if you can.

Then, at the dinner table, share some of their favorite things about the holiday. Share memories of holidays past. Laugh.  Laugh, knowing that your loved one is with you.  Their spirit shines.

I am thankful that I am healthy enough to work and to give back to my community.

I give thanks to my friends that give me time and understanding and love. I give thanks to my family who surround me and give me space when I need it.

I am thankful every day of the year, for Zane. For the signs he brings to me that he is near. I am grateful for the many memories I carry in my heart of my sweet boy and the times we shared on earth. I am grateful for the new ways that I am learning to ‘be with my son’ while we are realms apart.

This year, I give thanks for the things that give me hope.