I have always been an A-type personality.  It has caused physical illness and mental struggles and yet I keep living my life like a squirrel caught in traffic. The upside has always been that I get more done than the average person. I am organized and I take on the world, so lots to do.  But is this an upside?

I have been told by everyone in my life, current and past, that I need to slow down. How do you do that when you are engrained to do all for all in only a 24 hour period each day?  That has been my struggle.

Now, with grief, it is so much more difficult.  It is complicated.  My grief demands my time.  It demands me to sit and cry and ponder the ‘what if’s’ and pine for yesterday.  It does not take note of the growing task list and the time ticking to the deadlines for work projects, social engagements or personal goals.  It shows up unexpected, it never leaves and it is loud.

When I try to ignore it and focus on what needs to be done, it becomes tricky.  It messes with my memory and I begin to forget obvious things, like my friend’s name or that dinner was in the oven an hour longer than needed.  It seeps into my muscles and bones causing arthritic flare-ups. And yet, I move on, ignoring it and the side effects it brings.  And when I do that, my grief becomes angry and I become short tempered, snapping at the poor dog because he is taking too long to sniff the grass. And if I don’t pay attention to how busy I am, my grief then crushes me with a tidal wave of emotional pain, triggered by something I didn’t expect and the  tears come and the day shuts down.  And the guilt sets in.

Grief cannot be put into your day timer at a convenient time to experience it.  You cannot schedule grief.  If you try life becomes complicated and harder to cope. Grief demands that you pay attention to it.  Thus, we must plan our day to be gentle.  Our schedules cannot be over loaded.  Our social life must be simple with a plan to exit if need be. Our calendar needs room, every day, for grief to be addressed.

As a text book A-type, I must accept that my grief keeps me busy.  And my grief is a priority.  It is ironic that through my grief, I may also learn how to slow down.