It is just three years since Zane was killed.  The 13th of this month (August), we gathered for his 30th birthday. I was having a really difficult time with this one and not sure why, I wrote to Zane.

“30 years old.  An age you knew instinctively you would not get to.  Why, and why you knew this are the questions that haunt me.  I am beginning to understand the ‘new reality’, that you are in the light, released from any anxiety and sadness of this realm. I know you are filled with pure joy and peace.  I know you are free to visit and have the power to leave signs that you came by.  I have experienced that.  I am grateful for that.  I try hard to hold onto all this to help ease the pain of not being able to hear your voice or see your face or hug you.  Except in my dreams.  

Alas, you knew this day would not come and I think that is why it is an extra hard one for me.  Although you were robbed of ages 27, 28, and 29, the fact that you should be turning 30 today shouts your fate at me and causes me to scream at the injustice of you not being here.  How is this possibly a life plan for you? 30 brings with it so much of what should be and what we knew wouldn’t be and here it is.  It is mocking me.”

Writing to our loved one is an expression of mourning and suggested by the experts to help deal with grief.  As I wrote this letter, to why this birthday was bothering me so much, clarity was the gift I was given. This was more than a birthday.  This was the milestone I expected my son to reach.  I needed Zane to reach this birthday to prove he was not destined to die young, that his nightmares were only that.  Nightmares of what should never be.

I think it is why I had such a drive to have 30 be the theme at his celebration.  30 friends were invited, 30 donuts, 30 things to do in his honor.  And at the end of the day, over 30 friends gathered to laugh, cry, to share stories of all that he continues to mean to them.  Symbolic that there is more to Zane’s life than the number 30.

When everyone had left, our neighbor asked if we noticed the large group of crows sitting on the roof watching over our party.  I had seen them fly off but had not noticed them gathering, as if they were joining our party.  I read crows gather for social, feeding and funerals.  Zane’s party covered all three of those reasons they would gather here! They are supposed to be messengers from the Gods, appearing as a method of divination and prophecy.

I chuckled at this. I wonder if Zane had a role in this.  If somehow this whole day was a message that 30 is just 30.  Birthdays, even the milestones are just a measure of how many years your energy has filled this earth. Their energy lives on even after death. Zane’s energy is now 30 years old.  This is worth celebrating. Perhaps the crows were another confirmation of this. And a message that our loved ones are here, and we can connect to them; they are as close as the crow flies.