I preach that when you experience more than 3 of the top 10 stresses within a year, you become ill. Death is the top stress and when our family has experienced over a dozen in less than two years, how do I wonder why I am not feeling well. It is called grief overload.  And it’s a real thing.

I turned to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, author and grief expert whose books support healing. His mini resource, “Too Much Loss: Coping with Grief Overload” was written for those who have experienced too many significant losses in a short span.

He begins by categorizing the many types of grief such as traumatic loss, grief of a caregiver, and back-to-back losses. He talks about how such losses affect one both mentally and physically. He offers exercises and suggestions on how to cope. It is a simple read and a truly helpful resource.

My aha moment was the exercise around understanding how many deficits one has had. We have lost multiple family and friends and yet, his exercise on taking inventory of all your recent losses illustrated I had more than I thought. Yes, we define loss as a loved one dying but loss is also a relationship, a home, a job, a sentimental item, or your health. Things I had not considered as they measured small to the people leaving earth. Yet, they count too. Loss is loss.

Once these losses were recorded, the next exercise was to take each one and reflect on how you are currently dealing with it. Are you numb to it or are you anxious about it. Do you feel guilty or angry? Or have some losses included a sense of relief? Placing a feeling to each loss helps understand why your feelings are such. When I did this exercise, Zane was listed under each area whereas others were listed under only one. And I discovered sadness is the category that every loss has a place in. This was an insightful exercise to see on paper where each of my losses fit and highlighted why that emotion is overwhelming me in other areas of my life.

What happens to us with grief overload is that we begin to shut down because we don’t know how to focus on one loss at a time.  We are overwhelmed. Our brain starts to confuse which is which and why and then moves onward, leaving no time to ‘sit with our pain’ as we know how to when dealing with a single loss. Thus, our pain from each individual loss accumulates and festers as a mood swing or a weight gain or a foggy brain.

Dr Wolfelt advises professional counselling might be needed.  He suggests scheduling time each day to sit with your losses. Address the one that is loudest and feel that pain. Then practice what we have learned with singular grief, focus on remembering, honoring that which is now gone. And then move on with the day. Breathe, self-care, time out. There is no time limit for healing.

He ends this book with the mourner’s bill of rights.  A reminder to what we need and should expect when grieving, including the right to be tolerant of our physical and emotional limits.

PS: my apologies for the late posting of this week’s blog…I was basking in the sunshine of Ontario with family to which I will share with you soon, the healing wonders of such a trip!