I’d be amiss if I didn’t share the realization that I came to when visiting family this summer. I am not sure how or more importantly why our individual souls chose to group together as relatives for this lifetime with grief as the number one challenge. It seems that my holiday mantra, ‘surrender’ helped open my eyes to family dynamics and my heart to understanding deeper.
Every friend and colleague have told me that our family has experienced more death, more sadness than anyone they know. Some even joke about not being sure if they want to be my friend. In case death is contagious. I smile. We don’t wear this truth like a badge of honor. No, in fact we gripe about it. But, at the end of the day, we are a very strong clan, and I think living with grief fosters that.
Our family reunion this year included happy news, the sharing of struggles, living with grief, coping with mental and physical health challenges and every conversation included both tears and smiles. It was during this event that I realized how much our family has in common. Not just blood, or marriage or the sharing of children, but the soul plan of what we are facing, learning to live with and overcoming as a collective group. We each do our best to create an existence that honors God, ourselves and each other. We are a family who stand next to the ghosts in the closet and share real life struggles. We are a family that provides support to one another with no judgement of what has happened or why. We live in the mantra, surrender to what is, was to be. I feel very lucky to be in the company of such strength found in life’s adversity.
The day was preceded by a visit to the local cemetery. I had not visited the graves of my father-in-law or favorite Aunts or my brothers-in-law. As we toured the path, pausing at each tombstone to remember, I noticed how many of my beloved were resting here. In our family, we honor and celebrate our loved ones so intensely that one needs to be reminded they are not physically with us. The granite placings marking their birth, and their passing was surreal. It left me feeling empty and yet, when at the family reunion, the recollections of each person who had died brought them back. Our loved ones were there, invisible but very much with us. Joy returns through the saying of their names.
The day ended with four of us driving back with the roof down, the music blaring, singing at the top of our lungs. Arms waving up over our heads, I felt connected to every spirit, including Zane’s. The setting sun above us, the wind through our hair, the pleasure of being together. We ended at the harbor. My sweet sister-in-law wanted a moment to honor her beloved Kim. The harbor was one of his favorite places and it was fitting on that night, with the essence of our family reunion covering us, we stopped to be with Kim. The water gently clapping the cement dock, the soft green hue of the lighthouse across the lake, there was a peace that only matched Kim’s quiet persona. Another family member is with us in spirit.
Surrender is not a word used by warriors. And it is not a word I would use often. Our family are fighters. But the word has a place. When grief is as abundant as it is with our clan, when the pain of loss overcomes and clouds perspective, surrendering to what we can’t control can be calming. When we sit next to grief and ask it what I am to learn if I surrender, it carries power. Our family practices this intuitively. Our lives are full, and we can face our challenges, find strength in each other and when rest is required, momentarily surrender. This practice brings depth and bliss to the journey we experience together.
Thank you, and your family, help the rest of us who experience loss and grief,