Our family has experienced eight deaths in less than five months.  I have spent the entire spring and summer in hospitals or hospices, travelling to help plan and attend the celebrations of life for each.  This was on top of my regular work, the planning of our daughter’s upcoming wedding and our annual gathering of Zane’s Death-Day.  Summer is always tough, this year it was brutal.

I have been far too busy with life ‘as is’ to recognize or experience the anticipatory grief that accommodates four of the deaths during this time or the shock of sudden death of the other four loved ones. Our family seems numb. And no wonder, we have been handed a lot and we have dealt with it as best we can. It is no surprise that we have not been feeling quite like ourselves lately. Grief, waiting impatiently to come through has brought emotional outbursts and physical pain to varying degrees and never in unison to combat them effectively.  We continue to soldier on…

No one tells you when loss will come to your door.  Or how.  Or why.  Each loss brings with it, its own personality.  Its own baggage that you must unpack and sort out. Each one takes time, and nothing is linear.

Experiencing multiple deaths at the same time or relatively close together exaggerates the single components of grief. The shock, the disbelief is totally numbing. I have to remind myself, “yes, they are gone. It’s true.” The exertion of energy required to plan how to best honor the loved ones wishes gets confused between each of the deaths.  “Was it this one or that one whose favorite color was blue?”  Why can’t I remember!  The brain fog of multiple deaths is more like a thick swallowing quicksand than a mere memory lapse.

It was my herbalist that unknowingly clarified for me what was happening to my health.  She sent a message that said, “you have had so much to deal with, there has been no time to grieve”. Her words, an expression of compassion hit me like a slap in the face.  Yes, I am doing too much. Self care is the first thing to be dropped when one is too busy. It is easy to overlook the ‘slow down’ signs as we continue to push on. I had disregarded what grief does when ignored.

The first cardinal rule of grief is, give it the space it demands.  Follow its lead. I’ve been pulled from one death to the next allowing NO time for grief.  So, it sits within and festers. It does not care of the many excuses and justifications I give as to why I am not facing my grief. It does not care how hectic I am or how much there is to do.  I read her message again, “…too busy…” One can not be too busy for grief.

I took out the calendar. Five months, eight deaths. This is purpose to stop, to take an extra moment to sit in silence, to honor the ones that have just departed. It is what the soul requires to stay grounded. I must minimize the everyday tasks; they can wait for my sadness to be addressed and held.  Each loved one I have lost deserves their own moment of remembrance. Each deserves thought as to how I will honor them.  Each deserves their own share of my heart.  And my tears. One by one.  I can create a life that gives each of them their own spot to live on, with me and, within me, as I continue my journey. I can give them admiration only if I am not too busy. They deserve the respect of my grief.