April is always a busy month for our family.  We commemorate fourteen birthdays of those we love. But this year, on top of birthdays, life has been crammed full of family visits, family drama, health concerns, new homes, job losses, new jobs, moves and my daughter turns thirty.

We joke that her entering this new decade will be a year-long celebration starting this weekend and carrying on throughout the year which includes a trip to Iceland and Ireland. And yet, our little drama queen has decided that this year is to be a quiet start. She has a desire to re-energize. She wishes to bring this birthday in, not with the typical “I’m getting old” fanfare, but rather a relaxed celebration of all that she is truly grateful for.

When planning what her 30th would be like, she said, “I am not going to complain I am getting older, I am not going to joke that my youth is dead. Zane did not see this birthday. I get how lucky I am.” And that hit me. And I can’t shake it. She is right, and her upcoming celebration of the day she was born, and the number of years that the Universe has graced her are not taken for granted.

Payton, as a little girl, was a tomboy. She admired her brother, had crushes on many of his friends and grew up knowing that she was never alone. Zane was her big brother, her cheerleader, her advisor and they relished the times together. Zane’s empath qualities guided her to become a beacon for many. Payton was and still is the advocate for the underdog and the hero for anyone in despair. Her adventures have shaped her, her styles have changed, and her heart continues to grow. She will always be my little girl. She is forever Zane’s little sister.

And I think that is why this birthday is different. I remember when I went into a new decade without Zane on earth.  The hollowness in my heart grew deeper. The ache of continuing without him seemed louder. I think, without her knowing this, my daughter is experiencing the same. It is so hard to move forward with the realization that life was physically shared with Zane ‘last decade’. Her soul knows this before her brain does. I am sure it is the subconscious reason for a birthday with no fireworks.

As her mother, I am in awe of her, of the strength she shows with all the tragedy our family has experienced and continues to receive. She carries the grief of loss of so many family members who sustained her throughout her childhood. Especially that of her brother. She has sat at the funerals of many family members and friends and has spoken tributes on their behalf. She continues to make room to honor each of them. All before she turned thirty.

There is nothing that can be said about this. It is life. My heart screams that I cannot change this, I cannot comfort her. My belief is that it is part of her soul plan. And how beautiful her soul, that it can hold the light for so many when the darkness has come to her so often.

My sweet daughter, my wish for you is that you will never forget that the heavens are filled with loved ones who watch over you, shower you with strength and hold you safe. And that the person at the forefront is always your brother.