In a recent counseling appointment, we touched on my grief and how it may be affecting me and those around me. The question of focus was am I building a legacy for only Zane. There have been innuendos and fleeting comments about how everything I do seems to have a component of my son included. Does this make my loved ones feel somewhat left out? I thought it was an absurd perception at first.

Every mother has this fear that her child will not be remembered. We take it upon ourselves to become the legacy builder for them. We are the ‘gate keepers,’ the one who insist that they have a seat at the table, that their stories are shared, that their name is said aloud. It is how we continue to love our child. It is also what we need to survive the daily task of living without their physical presence. Bringing our child into our everyday life through actions on their behalf and mentions of their memory helps keep grief pacified.

I will not change this nor will I apologize for it. However, as it was gently pointed out to me, I too need a legacy. Is mine only that of my child’s? And as a mother, what about the legacy of the loved ones I share this life with. What is my part in supporting the building of their legacy? I left the appointment with my brain hurting from the contemplation of all of it.

The popular question, “what do you want said at your funeral” is the creative way of asking, “what do you want your legacy to be.” Everyone leaves this earth with a legacy, the footprints of what their life did to those they touched. It is energizing to know that we have the power to establish our own legacy.

It begins with what we love, what makes our own soul come alive. Following that passion with simple, every day actions is how a legacy is built. My grandmother’s passion for natural medicine left her family with a knowledge and a practice of alternative healing. My mother’s love of cooking left us with a passion for comfort food and a collection of recipes that brings her alive with each dish.

I have thought of what my legacy might be, but motherhood has been a great distraction to exploring my own. And when Zane was killed, my entire energy shifted to building the legacy he should have been here to do. It has been an easy task. We shared so many passions, writing, photography, astrology, which furthering his loves has reignited in me the energy I had as a teenager. Honoring Zane, I have dug up the girl I used to be.

My therapists challenge for me is twofold. What can I do to support the legacy building for each of my loved ones and how can I expand the circle of legacy such that my legacy is next to Zane’s and not entirely his. He deserves his own. As do I.

As if the Universe felt the point of my session needed to be emphasized, the Hallmark movie that night was about legacy! The ironic details of this movie included the family name was Blanchard (my maiden name), the mystical Aunt who led the way was Gert (my mother-in-law) and the movie was about letting go of the café or not as it was the mother’s legacy (my mom’s love of cooking!). I could hardly watch it as each scene seemed to bring more ideas, more proof of the importance of building your own legacy while supporting your families desire to do the same. Oh Hallmark, where do you come up with these ideas? I’m listening and learning. The assignment begins.